The Jr. High Experience
The school year is well in motion. For many that means making new friends, seeing old ones, showing off new outfits and seeing your favorite teachers again. As you advance grade levels the topics of discussion change and you hope you can keep up. You may have heard the discovery and awkward phases of jr high or middle school referred to as a right of passage. Erickson’s stages reference this time as Identity vs Role Confusion. Think about all the things you tried out at this time. The things you still continue to take part in today. You may recognize that your teen wants to try out new trends and find the right group to be a part of. Crushes start to happen and cliques begin to form.
I recognize now that it’s a weird phase of development where we’re all just trying to figure out who we are and what comes next. We’re searching for this sense of self. Now let’s consider for a second that you’re an adoptee who may already have a confused sense of self. Then add the layer of being a POC in a predominantly white school in this stage where everyone is telling you what’s appropriate, where you fit and where you don’t. In my experience, I always felt like I fit in until the other teens started pointing out my “blackness”.
Each year I have clients flow through my office and week after week it’s the same song and dance. “I wish I could be black, black people are so cool”. “You should date so and so (the only other black person at school, knowing damn well you’re crushing on Matt)”. “So and so used the n-word today”. “We talked about slavery and everyone kept staring at me”. “We’re reading this book with the n-word and my teacher thinks it’s okay to say it, and everyone keeps staring at me”. “Black people don’t skateboard”. “You should join the track team with your extra calf muscles”. “I think my teachers racist”. “Can you do the stanky leg, or the dougie…. You must know the moves to that Soulja Boi song?”. “Everyone keeps touching my hair!”..... The list goes on and on.
You're at this stage where you’re trying so hard to fit in, and now on top of algebra, you get to learn about stereotypes; stereotypes you totally don't fall into because you were raised in a predominantly white community! Talk about role confusion. Do you lean into it, or do you reject it? Or are you caught somewhere in the middle? When your kid comes home frustrated about these experiences, how do you support them? How do you help them develop into the person they want to be rather than the person their peers or stereotypes tell them they should be? How do you expose your child to a “blackness” that they don't feel shame about, a blackness they celebrate?
When your kid comes home moody, practice patience and approach things with a curiosity. Sometimes it might be about feeling different or confused in their role, sometimes they might just be hungry because lunch wasn’t good. Maybe the lesson on slavery was super uncomfortable, or maybe the lesson on recessive genes was isolating. Remember to practice empathy even if you don’t fully understand. Young teens can be mean and moody because they're trying to figure out a lot of things. Because of that I think they judge each other a little harsher, especially themselves. Fortunately and unfortunately their brains are still forming. With the right guidance and support they’ll come into their own.
How might your childs jr high experience differ from your own? Are there any areas you wish your parents would have given you a bit more grace?
