August 7th, 2022
So, I’m supposed to be writing a post about RAD, shedding a bit more knowledge on the topic for parents or maybe other adoptees. But that will have to wait. Today I had an experience and I’m hoping that in writing not only will I be able to process some of my own feelings but maybe someone reading this can relate or learn something from it.
I used to always think that the end of my adoption journey would result in me meeting my biological parents. For so long I had in my mind these stories of what they might be like and what my life might have been like had I not been adopted. The adoption fantasies weren’t frequent and intense for me, but they never were positive. I never gave credit to any resiliency that I may have had in that environment. However, when contact was finally made with my bio family there were so many mixed emotions. I first met my birth brother and had friends present for that adventure. Over two years later, with my sister by my side, I was able to meet my biological mother, grandmother, an aunt, an uncle and of course my bio brothers friends. This time was harder.
I was finally going to meet my biological mother and all these other people that look like me. It was supposed to be a positive experience, I was supposed to feel excitement. It was supposed to be like closing a chapter…the end of the road. It was full of anxiety, so much so that I cried on the plane over, so much so that I cried in a bar with my biological brother the day before meeting my biological mother. Fast forward to the aftermath. I met these people, I met this person. And it has continued to be this weird mix of emotions. The interactions I thought I would have with my bio mom were not the ones we had or have. I still feel this want to know her and to be accepted by her, while simultaneously feeling rejected by her.
Today I received a text from my bio brother asking if I was available to Facetime. I was surprised with an introduction to my maternal grandfather. It was a pleasant surprise as I learned that he was the one who named me at birth. He shared that he had returned to the hospital just days later and I was already gone. He said that he had always prayed for me and hoped I was alive and doing well. He said that his prayers had been answered as he always hoped to meet me before he closed his eyes. I learned that I was related to James Brown who’s playing in the background as I write this, and that most of the family had originated in Georgia.
It was a happy experience but like all things in adoption, complicated. Though I’ve had contact with some bio family for a few years now, he was just learning of this. Though he has a relationship with his daughter, my bio mother, he is just hearing of our meeting a year later. I still remain a secret and those feelings of rejection continue. I’m planning to go out in the fall and have in person conversations with this man I met today. I hope to learn more stories from him, but I wonder if I will always be in a position where I get to know everyone else more than the person who gave me life. Over the years I have learned that there is no end of the road, or that I maybe just haven't reached it yet. There were and remains a lot more bends and inclines that I didn’t anticipate.
I’m glad I’m in a position now with my mom (adoptive) that I could call her and tell her about my experience and even my complicated feelings toward my bio mom. Who do you have to talk through experiences with? Are you a parent that has created safety for your child to talk about these experiences? Do you allow yourself or your child the roller coaster of emotions?
