Grief In Adoption
Adoption is a complicated thing. There are so many joys yet so much pain along the way. You might be the grieving parents who could not conceive or carry to term or you might be the family who chose to expand after giving birth on their own. You might be the hopeful adoptive parent waiting for that baby to be placed in your arms or the birth mother making a choice for your child.
While some are celebrating this joyous moment there is another perspective to be had. You might be the little baby crying for his mother, the heart beat you knew so well. You might be the child saying goodbye to his parents for what you didn’t know was the last time. You might be the child who is so excited for his new home.
Grief in adoption has a place for all. However, grief for the adoptee is a lifelong journey. Many wonder where they are from, why they were not wanted, why someone could not take care of them. They eventually begin to wonder about their family of origin. The adoptee has to grieve what could’ve been and may never be.
As an adoptee you can’t help but to compare this very real and tangible family with your ghost family. This fantasy family takes up space regardless of the safety in your home. With each passing year you might again wonder, “is she thinking about me?”. All this time fantasizing about the could have and would have, let’s consider that these things may or may not come to fruition. When you finally make contact with the souls that look like you, and your fantasy is proven wrong….it means more grieving. Grieving the fantasy, grieving reality, and continuing to wonder “why not me?”. More formally some of the grief types are described below.
When thinking of Non-finite grief, think of all the ideas you once had for your life. We tend to picture experiences and relations going a certain way. Our hopes and dreams become the roadmap for our lives. Nonfinite grief comes when these hopes and dreams do not meet reality. As mentioned before, adoptees experience this grief many times in life. Whether it was pre adoption, post adoption or post reunification, the disappointment of things not going as planned or desired is difficult to come to terms with.
Living Losses or Non Death Loss occurs when there is a loss of a person, place or thing that was of great significance to the person. This can be interpersonal, physical, spiritual, or psychological. Though no one has physically died, there is a grieving process. Sometimes this happens at the end of a relationship, or when a move occurs. This grief comes with the loss of anything that was contributing to your overall well-being. We experience these types of losses throughout life with some circumstances easier to manage than others.
Disenfranchised grief in its simplest form is when the person feels they are not able to grieve. This is common for adoptees especially if their adoption takes place at an age where they can comprehend the loss of the bioparents. Likewise, when they are at the age of curiosity toward these things if invalidated in their expressions, they may feel disenfranchised in their grief.
Each person’s story is so different, and the depths at which grief takes place varies. There is such significance in validating the losses. For parents, it’s important to reflect on your own experiences regarding your grief process to better understand your childs. It is important to listen to the perspective of the adoptee as it is a stand alone experience, meaning they may experience these thoughts and feelings regardless of your best intentions to be a “good parent”. Seek to understand where they are at. The process is continual.
For more information on this topic a book recommendation is:
“Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew”, by Sherrie Eldridge.
Focal Point wants to hear from You. Feel free to send in a story or reachout with questions. Your perspective may be helpful for someone else.
