“A Little Help From My Friends”
Adoption is something that will always be a part of my identity. There’s a lot of “what if’s” that come with that identity. What if I was raised by my 16 year old mother? What if I was raised by my biological grandparents? What if I was adopted by another family? What if I was aborted? The list goes on and on. When the context of your life is structured around chance, you question a lot of parts about you that could have potentially been different. I will probably be asking myself these questions for the rest of my life. As an adult I can realize that this is my cross to bear. It also gets lighter every time those questions find a way back into my brain but it was too heavy for a long ass time. When I look back and explore how I was able to carry it that long, I would love to say that it was my family, or my faith but often times those added more weight than they took away. When I reflect on the main aspect of my life that helped me step out of questioning my position in life I realize that it was my four best friends.
We called ourselves the Fab 5. We ran our city, schools, and every space we stepped into. At least we thought we did… Whether we were hanging out in the halls of our high school, riding around bumping Josh’s two 12’s, or passing around the Xbox controllers we all belonged. This wasn’t just a friendship that you see in movies or TV. We were a brotherhood. They had my back and I had theirs.
Josh - I first met Josh in first grade. We were on the same baseball team. We didn’t really know each other, but I’m grateful young Brandon called him that day to come play. I don’t know what it was, but we connected immediately. We were both athletic and liked video games. I guess that’s really all you need as a first grader to get along. I often wonder if he had thoughts about playing with the only black kid at school, but knowing who he is and what his family is like, I doubt he ever gave any of those thoughts attention.
Joshua - In third grade Joshua moved into a house down the street from Josh. The three of us became the start of the Fab 5. Joshua is Polynesian and the first friend I had that was a kid of color. His friendship over the years has provided a lot of security within my racial identity. There’s not a lot of black or brown people in our home town. Like, none. I can’t recall many racial expectations placed on me within this friendship. It was a space I needed when expectations were constantly being placed on me because of the color of my skin.
Andrew - Andrew moved into the friend group in middle school. Him and I rode the bus together and I introduced him to the Joshes. When I say we had each other’s back, it was definitely due to Andrew. To this day, Andrew will go to war for you if you need him. He is the most loyal person I have ever met. I am grateful that Andrew brought this value into the friend group.
Cody - I was in a bad car accident my junior year of high school. I spent a month away from football all together that summer and within that time, Cody moved into town. He moved here from Indiana and was the nicest kid. It doesn’t surprise me that my friends immediately befriended Cody. I dealt with some jealousy when I came back from my injury. I worried that Cody had taken my place within the group. That jealousy went away quick. Cody is the most inviting, kind hearted, giving person.
These four were my saviors. Being adopted you can feel like you don’t belong in the life you are living. When you’re own family doesn’t look like you, it is important to have environments that you feel secure in. The Fab 5 gave that to me every day in the most important years of my life.
If you are adopted and struggling to make friends remember a few things:
Friendship is built around common interests. You don’t need to be anything different than yourself to bond over common interests.
You have nothing to prove! The friends that belong around you will naturally gravitate around your authentic self!
Friends are CRUCIAL in forming identity between the ages of 12-18. During this stage of our life our social interactions help us form confidence in our interests, values, and how they relate to people around us.
Friend groups during the ages of 12-18 help us learn how to be loyal and properly support others.
Friends come and go. Certain people can give you a sense of belonging at different times in your life. If you are growing apart from your friends reflect on what they may have brought you at that moment. Don’t be afraid to find the people that are meant to be in the next phase of your life.
When you are with people BE WITH THEM! Listen to them, ask them about their lives and interests. A lot of times we feel like we need to prove ourselves so we continue to talk about ourselves. Let go of the need to prove yourself and LISTEN to those you’re trying to be friends with.
